On top of the world.....I was.....not too long ago.....not much too long ago......
I've been through a lot of ups and down in my short sample of a life,just bout 20 years of it,more so than a lot of people i know....BUT....never,Never has fate taken me so high up and then thrown me back down with such vehemence....
In my own self contained realm i thought i had everything....all the power i could handle,all the love i could bathe in,all the respect i needed to be happy....
"Human beings define their reality through misery and suffering.
The perfect world was a dream that their primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from."
I woke up.
In every sense of the word.
Reduced to rubble all the efforts.Efforts dating back 7 years ago.Seeds of a resplendent future sowed way back....since 9th grade.In a life of 20 years, 7 of the approx 15 years i have a memory of is a lot of time....
Every thing that I counted on.
In many ways I believe,total collapse is better for you in the long run than strings of smaller failures.It lets you start from ground zero instead of trying to salvage a faulty foundation with an ailing scaffold of determination.
I'm like this huge Matrix buff....like i know every dialogue ever spoken in all 3 movies types.And the philosophy of these movies made a huge impact on me.
I've always believed in purpose,that I'm here for a purpose i must fulfil to realise my destiny.And somewhere in the whole rigmarole of being so young and high,I actually thought I had found my purpose.I actually thought I knew how my life was gonna work out.At 20 years I really honestly believed I had my whole life thought up in my head,and give and take minor details.....I had it all worked out.There was this person in my life who gave me that feeling.Made me feel on top of the world.Made me feel I had it all.
Now that person is gone.Along with a lot of other things that used to make me wake up every morning feeling it was good to be me.I seem to have lost my purpose.5 years down the line.....I don't see myself.And I don't know where to look either.
Then I turned to my philosophical mentor again.The Matrix.
Kinda frivolous I know but hey,I'm young and hopeless.What did you expect?
And I'm kinda OK now.
I really am.
I still have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life.
I'm still not over my past.Heartaches of a ruthless kind.
If my life walked right back up to me and gave me a choice,I would still undoubtedly wanna go back.Its not like I'm better off now or some other self-delusional crap.
It's just that,I think its OK to be lost.
As long as I know and admit to myself and everyone that I'm lost,I think I'll be fine.
I'll find my way someday.....but right now I have a life to live.
And I cant spend it thinking of my lost sense of purpose.
It will find me!!