A Decade of Procrastination

Fear not, for the decade of procrastination is past us.
The new millenium brought in a new age, an age of boredom, inertia and morbid indifference.
It ends now.
I resolve.
To blog.


Reasonably regularly.

Finding Neverland!!!!

On top of the world.....I was.....not too long ago.....not much too long ago......

I've been through a lot of ups and down in my short sample of a life,just bout 20 years of it,more so than a lot of people i know....BUT....never,Never has fate taken me so high up and then thrown me back down with such vehemence....

In my own self contained realm i thought i had everything....all the power i could handle,all the love i could bathe in,all the respect i needed to be happy....
"Human beings define their reality through misery and suffering.
The perfect world was a dream that their primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from."

I woke up.
To failure.
In every sense of the word.
Total collapse.
Reduced to rubble all the efforts.Efforts dating back 7 years ago.Seeds of a resplendent future sowed way back....since 9th grade.In a life of 20 years, 7 of the approx 15 years i have a memory of is a lot of time....
Every thing that I counted on.

In many ways I believe,total collapse is better for you in the long run than strings of smaller failures.It lets you start from ground zero instead of trying to salvage a faulty foundation with an ailing scaffold of determination.

I'm like this huge Matrix buff....like i know every dialogue ever spoken in all 3 movies types.And the philosophy of these movies made a huge impact on me.

I've always believed in purpose,that I'm here for a purpose i must fulfil to realise my destiny.And somewhere in the whole rigmarole of being so young and high,I actually thought I had found my purpose.I actually thought I knew how my life was gonna work out.At 20 years I really honestly believed I had my whole life thought up in my head,and give and take minor details.....I had it all worked out.There was this person in my life who gave me that feeling.Made me feel on top of the world.Made me feel I had it all.
Now that person is gone.Along with a lot of other things that used to make me wake up every morning feeling it was good to be me.I seem to have lost my purpose.5 years down the line.....I don't see myself.And I don't know where to look either.

Then I turned to my philosophical mentor again.The Matrix.
Kinda frivolous I know but hey,I'm young and hopeless.What did you expect?
And I'm kinda OK now.
I really am.
I still have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life.
I'm still not over my past.Heartaches of a ruthless kind.
If my life walked right back up to me and gave me a choice,I would still undoubtedly wanna go back.Its not like I'm better off now or some other self-delusional crap.

It's just that,I think its OK to be lost.
As long as I know and admit to myself and everyone that I'm lost,I think I'll be fine.

I'll find my way someday.....but right now I have a life to live.
And I cant spend it thinking of my lost sense of purpose.

It will find me!!

I had a dream last night ...!!

Picture my dream of last night and bet you would know why i like to sleep as much....

Imagine...the A-list.

She arrives in a limousine...or at least a Mercedes or Bentley...
Two BIG,REALLY BIG monsters of men guard the entrance to the Taj.If it wasn't for those 2 mountains the thronging crowd would pulverize the nervous little butler waiting anxiously.He got a big job tonight.He's assigned to run duties for MISS ---------.....(that's a secret...).

The chauffeur opens the door and out she steps.The crowd goes mad.Everyone wants to look at her....My god just look at her.
Stunning in the most unconventional way,she is not your usual bimbo or a bombshell or DD blonde.
No makeup, just a dash of kajal, No swagger, calm composure, No shiny pout, just a million dollar dimpled smile.
No plunging necklines and absent backlines, just petite well tailored formals that accentuate her curves just as well as they hide them.
No expensive jewellery,no fur,no glitter......just her....

She's not a movie star,she's not a supermodel,she's not the prime minister,she's not a pageant winner....
though in truth, if she wanted she could do more justice to every one of those roles than anyone on this planet today!!

And the crowd roars and the crowd screams as she signs a few autograph,smiles at a few people.She's waiting....
Reporters flood her with questions barely audible above the crowd's din.Even as she is answering a few of them, a sudden glint shoots furtively across her face.The twinkle in those eyes, and the glorious dimples, the lights grazing off her hair.....she smiles.A guy,dressed a trifle too rough to be a socialite, huffs and puffs in through the crowd having to literally tear through the crowd.And he reaches the impassable mountains guarding his object of desire.And she saw him too ... a flick of the hand tells the monsters to let him through .... he runs ahead and in full view of an aghast crowd takes the fairy tale princess in his arms and kisses her.

And before anyone can react the princess and her pauper have eloped on the guy's motorbike.And as if on cue, the princess lets out a whoop of joy stirring the entire page 3 crowd out of their shocked trance....This page 3 crowd just made front page!!!

That was my dream .... actually there was a diamond solitaire also in it somewhere towards the end.... ;)
And i thought and thought and thought and spent an entire day pondering over what this impossible dream could mean to me.

And you know what i figured out today ...


IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.

LIFE HURTS!!

I am sick.

I am sick.

How could it be?

I am sick.

i have a tablet to eat every morning and a syrup to drink thrice a day....
the first time any medicines have entered my room....
i went to the hospital for the first time since my jaundice in 9th standard....going for pink slip excuse to bunk classes at iit not counted.
and iv been sick for 4 straight days....

i am SICK.

Stomach hurts.Love Hurts.Life Hurts.
Head aches.Heart Aches.Pan Cakes.
Muscle Cramp.Stomach Cramp.Leg Cramp.
Weakness.Meekness.Bleakness.
Fever Cold.Getting Old.Feeling Cold.

Lonely.....:(

My friends are far away in hostel 4.
My sweetheart is 200kms away in Pune.
My friends at home would be a 1000 kms away.
My parents,well they are in Europe right now,a continent away.

LIFE HURTS.

This room is all iv got,this bed is all that's mine,this comp is my only mode of communication,this blog is all that i can talk to through it.

Are you listening?